Apples vs Oranges

Here's something I wrote a while back but never bothered to post:

For years I’ve heard people say that trying to compare two different things was like “apples and oranges” as though those things were so different it was therefore impossible to pick between them.

I say fuck that, they’re fruit. You can pick you favorite fruit. Mine is Nathan Lane

But back to apples and oranges. I prefer oranges personally, but I still appreciate the need for the apple. Here’s why: oranges taste better, they make better juice, and people…one word…creamsicle. But apples are great in they’re own right. I mean, apples have the whole green apple flavor thing going for them, which is nice, and of course, the saving grace of the apple; mobility.

Oranges are great, but they need to be peeled or cut into halves or quarters. Apples you can have straight out of the crisper, no need for utensils. Simple.

So to summarize; if I’m just chilling out in my apartment, or having breakfast, or whatever I’ll go for an orange, but if I’m running late and need to eat on the move. It’s apples all the way.

By the way, I still stand firm on having orange juice IN cereal. I’m telling you, frosted flakes and OJ hits the spot.

* I know that’s offensive, but a) its funny, b) the Producers kicks ass.

Michaelmas; it's a thing

First off I want Gerard Kennedy to know I'm not gay (not that there's anything wrong with that).

It's been a crazy week and a half since I last posted and that is because of...MICHAELMAS! That's right, it was that annual multiday bender that is celebrating my birthday. This year, I sadly missed out on the much anticipated "strip club pub crawl" but without the Cotton Club reopen yet it would have probably just have made everyone sad.

Other than that I've just been kept busy with work and trying to get over the flu. It's surprisingly hard to do, especially when I'm not actually taking any meds. I keep coughing and feeling all shitty, but it comes and goes and the crazy weather is helping me get through.

What is up with that, btw? It's the 9th of January and it's like 11 degrees? In Newfoundland? I don't know what the deal with that is, but all I have to say is that up until that point where everyone drowns and we wind up in a bad Kevin Costner movie I don't mind this global warming thing (yes, I understand that with the exception of the ones with baseball and Robin Hood "bad" is redundant in that sentence). But come on, let's be serious. It's not going to happen overnight, we'll see the tide rise up and just move inland. Everyone will be fine.

Oh yeah, back to Michaelmas. See, me and a few friends started it up a few years ago. It's based on the concept that since my bday is so close to the holidays everyone is constantly doing something else and it's impossible to get everyone together at once. That in mind we staggered several nights of drinking over the span of the week starting with Michaelmas Eve (January 3) right on up to the Saturday of Michaelmas. It's generally funtimes and this year was no exception.

But I did discover something quite odd. There actually is a Michaelmas. It's the feast of St Michael and it happens in September. This puts me in an odd place. Do we change the name of my Michaelmas, or do we just ignore the other one? Either way, I now have a full year to figure something out.

One last thing. I've decided to rig Google. You've done a vanity search. Don't lie, you know you have. And last time I did one the Soapbox was #9 for "Mike Hickey" and #13 for "Michael Hickey" but I don't think thats good enough. With your help I think we can make it #1. Or at least #2. Which I don't mind, #2 is solid. Hehe, yeah I did.

Apparently Google runs on some kind of link thing or something? I don't know but for sure, but if someone could let me know it would be super. In the meantime, link this shit up from everything you can. In return, I'll post more often. I think it's a fair deal. Let's get on that.

Hangovers Suck

Hangovers are a funny thing. Everyone who drinks suffers from them in one way or another, and most of us have our own special way of dealing with them. The worst part about them is that they can spring up on you for seemingly no reason.

I have one right now, and I don't know why. Yeah, I drank last night, but not a lot. I had about 9 Keith's all night and that was it. Hardly a recipe for destruction. But despite that I still found myself to be hurting this morning, and even threw up. Not the best way to spend New Year's Eve, actually it's usually the way I spend New Year's Day.

But I'm working on my cure. For some people it's the hair of the dog that gets them through, others prefer coffee, sleep is a definite option. But me, I like McDonalds. As I write this I'm sprawled across my bed watching Thundercats, and slowly working my way through a 10 pack of McNuggets. I'm also waiting for the gravol I took to kick in. I'm also contemplating a nap with a cold cloth on my head.

But it has me thinking. With it being New Year's and all I'm sure some of you may be imbibing various spirits and what better time to find ways to combat hangovers. So leave a comment on how you get past feeling like death warmed over.

Happy New Years

When not to pick up...(really, such a time exists)

So last night I hit up Junctions with an associate who shall remain nameless. It wasn't the initial plan, but hey, the Breezeway wasn't happening and I didn't know about the bands at Greensleeves and the Martini Bar.

Now, I hate Junctions. Thats important to know here. I've been there a grand total of three times and last night was the only time it was remotely interesting. Let me tell you why...

Once we got there, and discovered how dead the place was we opted to drink until our $5 cover seemed worthwhile and bail. But just as we got to the bottom of our beers, some dude flipped over the pool table. Seriously. Flipped the thing upside down. It was insane. Even more insane was that he then went directly to the bar and ordered a beer as though nothing had happened.

But then the bouncers show up and tear dude apart and the cops show up and all that fun stuff happens, and suddenly the place is interesting. All the while "The Best Damn Beat Downs 2" is on TV and everyone is watching fights. Needless to say the extreme drunks there were getting a little worked up.

This brings me up to todays lesson:

Never try to pick up at the bar after a fight has broken out.

Heres why.

Remember that cute little girl in the pink tank top who's been giving you the eye all night? Well dude, she's spent a lot of the night talking to that arsehole with the dirtstash who's acting like the typical bayman back from Alberta throwing money around. And while she looks incredibly bored with him and interested in you, he's incredibly drunk and interested in all the violence he just witnessed. So I'd try not to rackjack him if I were you.

Now, for the record I was the one passing along with advise, as my years of being a total pussy have taught me the best ways to avoid getting my ass kicked. And heeding my advise saved me from having to get my buddy's back, which in all honesty would have consisted of me being a decoy and just taking some hits before I ran away.

Ass, Kick Ass

I was planning on not sucking, but since that every time I started to write a post it began "So Kramer went nuts...", I mean, it was hard not to have something to say about it. Dude went crazy. But I decided to leave it alone. Dennis wrote about it, check it out.

What I finally decided would break my silence is the James Bond film festival I've imposed on myself. I watched Casino Royale the other night and it was purely amazing. By far one of the coolest movies I've seen in a long time. It in fact, got me to give the whole James Bond franchise a second chance.

I had grown tired with Bond in the last little while. I saw Dr. No a long time ago on NTV and it was great, but the more movies I watched the more tired I got. It was like a more drawn out version of the degeneration of Batman, by the Pierce Brosnan movies you might as well have had Joel Schumacher directing the mess.

You watch Die Another Day, and it's fun and goofy and everything you expect from a James Bond movie. But thats not necessarily good. The climax of the movie had 007 in a rocket car, racing a satellite laser beam that focused the Sun's energy into a weapon, and then using parts of said rocket car to windsurf his way back to his invisible Astin Martin to save Halle Berry from a melting ice fortress and then go off to stop the British billionaire who is actually a North Korean colonel who has undergone DNA reassessment from using the laser beam to destroy the DMZ. Seriously.

That's why the second and third Austin Powers movies were so redundant, who needs Mike Myers when Bond is parodying himself in each new installment.

But like the breath of fresh air Batman Begins was, in comes Casino Royale to reboot the franchise and wisk you back to when Bond was just pure cool. Actually, it brings you back to before Bond was as cool as we know him, which actually makes him cooler;

James Bond: Vodka martini.
Bartender: Shaken or stirred?
James Bond: Do I look like I give a damn?

That in mind I went out last night and picked up a bunch of Bond flicks. I have now seen each of the 6 "official" 007s, even that George Lazenby guy, and I've got to give Daniel Craig credit. He's currently in a tie for first place with Sean Connery.

Imagine, it's that good and he has blond hair. Who'd of thunk it. Oh yeah, me and Soup last year after we watched Layer Cake. Do yourself a favour, next time you're at the video store and have a copy of Moonraker in your hand. Put it back. Wait a couple months and buy Casino Royale and watch it over and over again.

When should you wear an apron to a club?

I suck.

It's been two full weeks since the last post, and well over a month since I've written something I, or apparently anyone else, find remotely amusing. While I don't write, I do spend an embarrassing amount of time on networking sites. Not actually being productive mind you, just kinda tweaking profiles and getting in contact with old friends and that sort of thing.

In fact, I just signed up for Facebook yesterday. It's way better than MySpace, but only recently opened up to people who aren't attending school. I'm still staying away from Hi5 and all that, but Facebook is actually kind of kickass. I have an rss feed set up on Facebook which directly posts my blog posts on my profile. Which I think proves to be pretty awesome.

It should also bring in 4 people to read this post, and that will give me 1000 "official" visitors!

That's right, the kick in the ass that made me write this entry was when my weekly traffic report showed up and informed me that I was 10 visitors away from 1000! By the time I started this I was at 996. I know a 1000 website hits isn't a big deal, and it isn't actually the total number, its just the total since I added the counter. But it's great to be able to see the numbers of visitors I'm getting and where they're from. The kick also came from the 9 average visitors a day. At the high point there were well over 20 and that was only about a month ago. So, to see it drop that low sucks, and lets me know I need to get my arse in gear.

And someone told me off in the comments. Luckily Dennis has my back.

But everything I just rambled on about doesn't answer the question I know is just picking away at you:

Q - When should you wear an apron to a club?
A - Not often.

But once and a while it's okay to do. I know this not from personally wearing an apron at a club, but from interacting with a pretty crazy guy who did.

His name was Brad or something and he was hitting up the GSBM with his recently single brother who was lamenting over his ex-girlfriend. Brad, however, refused to let this effect his night and decided to wear a green frilly grandma apron out to the bar. It worked brilliantly! Not only did the pockets hold multiple beers, it also attracted the attention of a ton of hot girls who all thought he was "wacky fun" and kept hanging out and taking pictures. Like the one I have posted there.

Telling you, dude is a visionary.

Reproduction of the dumbest

You know how Darwin went to that island and came back with the whole 'survival of the fittest' thing. How only the strong survive? Well that's true. But with that in mind I want you to examine a new theory; reproduction of the dumbest.

It all comes from a conversation I had with Dennis the other day. Turns out he works with this dude who's a real knob. I know because I've almost punched the guy a couple times following confrontations at the Sundance and anyone who knows me knows I'm a bit of a puss so that should speak volumes for his idiotness in and of itself. Anyway, Dennis was telling me how this dude has one kid already, he has another one on the way with his current girlfriend and is talking about ditching her for this other girl he wants to hook up with. All the while trying to get a job at McDonalds for the health benefits.

Dennis' advice was not to break up with his girlfriend, and to buy a box of condoms.

This got me thinking. You know how for years we've been hearing how standardized test scores are dropping and kids are getting dumber on average. Well it's not because of television or video games as we've constantly been told. It's because morons like this dude who are too stupid to wrap it up are watering down the education system with their idiot offspring. Meanwhile the intelligent, responsible sector of the population who are more likely to parent smarter children are careful and generally try to plan pregnancy resulting in smaller families.

I'm not saying that anyone who has an unplanned pregnancy is stupid and will produce stupid kids. I'm just saying it's like that old expression "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". This guy is already staring down two kids from two different moms and is already talking about cheating on his pregnant girlfriend with a girl who, if the trend continues, will most likely wind up pregnant. For the love of God man, invest in some Trojans, or at least pull out.

But what do I know, I used the word "idiotness" in this post.

Happy Halloween

In a surprising turn of events an overwhelming 50% of you wanted me to save the candy for me and Dennis. I'm shocked you cared so little about the poor kid's who dressed up and went trick or treating tonight and cared even less about the poor people I work with.

But alas, at 9:30 this morning, the poll was a dead heat between work and home, so I took it to work, because I wanted my candy, and I got the final say. But in a happy turn of events my Aunt Pat didn't get any trick or treaters at all. That bummed her out a bit but means she's bringing me and Dennis candy when she comes into town on Thursday. So there, you get your way and I get more candy.

Happy Devil's Night

I only took one picture all weekend. That was of some dude dressed as Mr. T who was awesome. So I've decided until some camera happy friends send me the pics they took I'm going to withhold information on how Mardi Gras went. Needless to say, it was in fact, kick ass.

What I'm actually going to spend an unnecessary amount of time talking about is leaf kicking. You all know what I'm talking about. It's inevitable that this time of year you do some leaf kicking. No one out grows it. You're walking down the sidewalk and start kicking the leaves in the gutter, or just kick a pile together on the lawn. It happens. For me it's as much a part of Halloween as eating too much candy or The Simpson's Treehouse of Horror. I think the main reason is because for oh so many of my formative years I spent the fall walking back and forth to NDA via Memorial Avenue.

Now Memorial Avenue isn't Maple Avenue, it's just two streets over, but it has way more maple trees. Every day from Kindergarten to Grade 7 I had to walk home down Memorial, and anytime there where leaves I would always have a huge pile built up by the time I got down to Mel's Mini Mart. From about Grade 4 on it became a contest with my friend Tabitha's little brother Danny, who we always walked home. Such a contest usually resulted in me winning, and throwing him in the big pile of leaves.

Good times.

Oh! I need your help with something! Tonight I picked up some groceries and while there I bought a box of mini Halloween bars. The plan was to give them to the girls upstairs to hand out to trick-or-treaters. I've decided I'm not sure how much I want to do that. Instead, in what my roommate will undoubtedly find ironic, I've decided to let you decide for me via online poll! You have three options and until 9:30am to influence my decision.


<a href="http://micropoll.questionpro.com/akira/MicroPoll?mode=html&amp;id=18773">View MicroPoll</A><br /><a href="http://www.questionpro.com/">Web Survey</a><br />

And for this weeks list, I bring out the big guns.

Watch
Sleepy Hollow - Tim Burton's 1999 version of the legend is great. Not because it has anything to do with the original story, because it doesn't. All they have in common is character names really. But still, I love it. I can't help it. It's one of the most beautifully crafted horror films ever made and has all the classic elements.
The Legend of Sleepy Hollow - The 1949 Disney version narrated by the one and only Bing Crosby. This is Halloween. It's that simple. If you didn't watch this every year when you were a kid I'm going to politely ask you to leave. You're no longer welcome here. But if you have seen it you probably remember the old VHS that had the two cartoons where Micky, Donald, and Goofy were ghost busters and some witch showed up and helped Huey, Dewy, and Louie give Donald shit. If you know where I can get this please let me know!

Read
The Legend of Sleepy Hollow - Washington Irving. I think you know by now that I love this story. It's one of the greatest pieces of American Literature available, and no, I don't think that's being a little extreme. The first time I read it was when I was about 9 and I still remember it. Really people, you need to understand, this story makes my Halloween, every year.

Listen
The Soapbox Halloween Mix (Complete with this weeks additions)
I Put A Spell On You - Screaming Jay Hawkins
Witchy Woman - The Eagles
Witch Doctor - Mark Bragg
Lucky Day In Hell - The Eels
Sympathy For The Devil - The Rolling Stones
They're Coming To Take Me Away - Napoleon XIV
Little Red Riding Hood - Sam The Sham
Monster Mash - Bobby 'Boris' Pickett
Halloween (she gets so mean) - Rob Zombie
Ghostbusters - Ray Parker Jr.
Ghostbusters II - Run DMC
Thriller - Michael Jackson
Red Right Hand - Nick Cave
The Munsters Theme - Los Straitjackets
The Halloween Dance - Reverend Horton Heat

Kickass Halloween costume: check

Yesterday started out a bit strange. I woke up early (on my own) and made breakfast. I then discovered that Aliant service was back up, which I found impressive since someone had burned that mother' down the night before. Then I organized the day and went on an adventure.

The first stop was Spun to pick up the Ghost Busters t-shirt I had ordered the day before. Once that was done I grabbed another bus, seemingly one to the Village (to grab yet another bus, because why else would I be at the Village) but bailed early to walk the remainder of the way to the Army Navy store. After stopping off for lunch along the way I got caught in the rain. And for any of you who were in St. John's this weekend you know it wasn't just a light shower. It frigging poured.

After walking about a half hour down Topsail Road, right into Mount Pearl I finally made it to the store and got my flight suit and army boots. Now, it might not be the most extravagant costumes on George Street this year, but it's definitely the kickassiest.

After I got it all straightened away I called a cab because I had no intention on walking again. I dropped off my stuff and went over to the library to get Mercer who had already booked a trip to the mall. We kicked around there for a bit and just as we were leaving I popped into CD Plus and stumbled on a ton of patches. This is awesome because it was the only part of my costume I had left to pick up.

So this year, Maverick's flight suit will feature Green Day, The Dropkick Murphys, The Ramones, Fall Out Boy, and Scarface. Not standard GI patches, but hey, they get the job done.

Here's last week's list.

Watch
Friday the 13th - The original, none of that #47 Jason on Broadway crap. I'm talking Mrs. Voorhees putting an arrow through Kevin Bacon while no one knew what was going on. It's very important to stick to the first 3 movies of this series, because, oddly enough, after Jason gets his hockey mask in #3 it all goes downhill.

Read
Dracula - Bram Stoker. I know it doesn't take place at Halloween, in fact it takes place in the spring and summer, it's still a classic.
Frankenstein - Mary Shelley. Like Dracula, not meant as a Halloween book, but you can't dispute its influence on the holiday.

Listen
I Put a Spell on You - Screaming Jay Hawkins. Yeah, there are other versions of this song, but Screamin' Jay put a sense of batshit crazyness behind it that no one else managed to capture.

I pity the fool who don't have Mr. T in your pocket!

Sales at work were slipping last week so I brought in the ultimate motivational tools, a Get Psyched Mix and my Mr. T bobble head. What followed was our best day yet, and at lunch my boss Greg told us that if we could find more of them or even better, a Chuck Norris bobble head, he would pay for them. So at lunch we hit up Downtown Comics, where I had bought the Mr. T bobble head oh so many years ago, to search for the elusive Norris bobble head, or any other Walker swag.

Sadly the search was in vain, they don't even make a Chuck Norris bobble head. Someone really dropped the ball on that one and are just asking for a roundhouse. But what we found was arguably better. Mr. T is now in my pocket.

This key chain of key chains has "six helluva tough guy sayings" featuring such classics as "Quit cho' jibba jabba", "First name Mister, middle name Period, last name T", and of course "I pity the fool". It's come into great use at work helping keep everyone all upbeat and though sales haven't been through the roof or anything, no one is getting discouraged. Which is key in making sure the slump doesn't last.

Along with the Mr. T merch and Get Psyched Mix we now also end each meeting with a round table of Chuck Norris facts. Seriously, this job is amazing.

I did have the vast majority of this post ready to go yesterday, but Aliant burned down and cell and internet service was out. I have to say, I'm impressed they're back online with everything just 12 hours later. Good for them, and me (some of you know what I'm talking about, and you have to admit, cell service going out all over the city was a good thing for me last night.)

Also, I'm sorry I missed the Halloween post this week, but the final pre-Mardi Gras post will go up early this week, hopefully going over my as-yet-to-happen Harbour Haunt experience. And I'll post the full Halloween CD mix.

And it begins...

I was starting to get the shakes. After playing 5 nights a week last winter I haven't played hockey since June, and I've been going nuts. But today I went in to the MUNSU office to say hi to some people and was informed of a potential game for tonight. I followed up on it and sure enough I've got a game tonight. I'm officially psyched beyond repair.

Now, don't get me wrong. I suck at hockey. I only played my two years peewee and quit. Then when I started college three years ago they had a rec team so I bought some gear and started playing again. By last year I was skating at least five nights a week, and loving every minute of it. I had a weekly game lined up for the summer, and should have been playing whenever I got back in town, but by the time Monday night rolled around I was just way too tired to play hockey. But now I've got this skate lined up and hopefully it can become a weekly thing.

The Sunday Knights started up in Grand Falls Sunday night and I sadly wasn't there for it. It was really bummed out I missed it but luckily I found a game that while I'm sure won't live up to the glory of the Knights, or Vipers (my rec league team) I'll at least get to keep at it.

Oh yeah, that picture is me last year playing for the college team. Note the "C" on my chest. Yeah, we were that hard up.

Collecting the "no"s

It's official, my new job kicks ass. While I always said I didn't want to go into sales I have to admit it's working for me. In fact, this morning, I made our teams first sale. It felt awesome.

The weird thing is, it totally goes against my usual methods of procurement. Keeping in mind of course customers aren't what I usually try to procure.

You see, a long time ago I heard the phrase "collecting the 'no's". This is when a guy goes to a bar, hits on every women in sight and gets repeatedly turned down before eventually finding that inevitable 'yes'. I always thought this was the dumbest idea ever. Well, next to calling a Halloween party "Mardi Gras".

I subscribe to the idea of focus. If you go after too many girls at once you: a) spread yourself too thin and don't provide her with the proper amount of attention and; b) will undoubtedly get caught and not get any girl at all.

That's how I treated the whole sales thing yesterday. I went through the sheets of names picking out the ones that based on location, business, title, etc. I thought would be interested in what I was offering. But that failed miserably. So today I just ran through the list and got a sale right off the bat. I probably would have done better on the day had it not been for the fact that no one I called was in today. I got everyones voicemail, so I'll call them back tomorrow and see how that goes.

And yes, I can in fact find some way to relate everything to picking up girls.

Why I both hate and love Mardi Gras

I know, the Halloween post is usually on Sunday night. But Sunday night I was dragged out on tryptophan and just crashed. At the time I did have a post planned called "what I learned from every vampire movie ever" but when I actually tried to write it I realized that what I learned is nothing, because they always say "forget what you've seen in the movies..." and then go on to contradict every common legend about vampires. So I scrapped that idea.

Then yesterday instead of being dragged out on tryptophan I was hopped up on the adrenaline of quitting my job at Teletech. I lasted two whole weeks, which was about 3 weeks too long, but hey, I'm out of there so who cares.

Anyway on with the post.

As you might have noticed that I like Halloween. But despite this, I'm not a huge fan of Mardi Gras held here in St Johns Halloween weekend, and heres why; it's a stupid idea. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for a costume party with scantily clad drunk girls, in fact I host 2-3 of them each week, but if you're going to do it, give it an appropriate name. Don't give it a name that translates to "fat Tuesday" and is in fact meant to be the day of Carnival before Ash Wednesday and a celebration of excess before the start of lent.

Call it something that actually has to do with Halloween. There's all kinds of potential here but no, some dumbass who didn't take French in the second grade decided that it would be fun to call it Mardi Gras because that translates to "costumed, drunken debauchery" in Moron. I understand people, its past the point of changing the name, and hell, I'll go down to George Street and party it up with the rest of them, but I will be doing it in silent protest that St John's Mardi Gras is a sham! But its a damn good time all the same.

Well, I'm told it is. I went down for it last year for the first time. I didn't enjoy myself. It's one of those things where there was just too much happening to focus. Also, I went with people who dragged me around looking for their friends, which was okay and all, but it would have been nice to find my friends too.

So there you go. I love Mardi Gras for what it is, a huge frigging Halloween party, but hate it for what it's called, because it confuses the hell out of people who aren't from Newfoundland and don't know that they just named it that for no proper reason, while annoying people from Newfoundland who realize how stupid it is to call it Mardi Gras.

Watch
Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein. A comedic horror classic. It's got Lon Chaney Jr as the Wolf Man, Bela Lugosi as Dracula, and some dude who isn't Boris Karloff as Frankenstein's Monster. What more could you ask for then those guys chasing around Abbott & Costello? Thats right...nothing more.
Interview with the Vampire . Before Tom Cruise went batshit crazy he made some good movies. I think that this was one of them. It's a great telling of a great story. Way better than that Queen of the Damned piece of crap that was supposed to be direct to video but got released because Aliyah died and they figured people would go see it. Anyway, Brad Pitt is awesome in this and the end credits features what has been described by Slash as "the sound of Guns N' Roses breaking up". I'm talking about the real Guns N Roses, not that shitty new version that should actually be called Fatty McAsshole & 9 dudes that aren't Slash.

Read
The collective works of Stephen King, that shit is bound to creep you out.

Listen
Sympathy for the Devil - Guns N Roses. Thats what I was talking about before. I know the Stones version is the original and classic, but Slash has actually said that this was the band breaking up. After this GNR just stopped. But if you want to listen to both versions I highly recommend it.
Monster Mash - Bobby "Boris" Pickett. This just goes without saying. I can't believe it took me this long to list it here.
They're Coming to Take Me Away Ha Haaa - Napoleon XIV "They're coming to take me away haha/ They're coming to take me away hoho hehe to the funny farm..." This song stills just creeps me the fuck out. When I was a kid my aunt had it on a tape and whenever I heard it my skin would crawl. Turns out it's about the guys dog, but still...

Adventures in trying to make my own turkey (with updates)

The saga that is about to be unfolded before you began about 2 or 3 weeks ago in a conversation that went something along the lines of

Me: Dennis?
Dennis: Yes?
Me: Are you going home for Thanksgiving?
Dennis: No, I don't imagine I'll go home now until Christmas, why?
Me: I'm not going home either, so I was wondering, what do you think about us deep frying a turkey?
Dennis: I think that it sounds like it would be good. However, it will never happen.
Me: What about cooking a turkey the normal way.
Dennis: If you want to cook it, go ahead, I'll eat it. But I still don't actually see it happening.

Then I spent the next couple weeks planning out the cooking of the turkey. I emailed Mom in Alberta and got her to send me recipes and stuff, still figuring at the last minute someone would call and say "You want to come over for turkey" and me saying okay and not cooking. But apparently I'm not that popular and yesterday I went out and bought a turkey. I named it Bessie. Then today I got up and prepped the turkey and discovered the "pope's nose" and changed the bird's name to Dave. Seriously, you ain't never seen a set like this turkey had.

Anyway, it's in the oven cooking away. I stuffed it, and I think I'm still going to make some extra stuffing cause I love it and slowly throughout the day you can expect updates on things like "peeling potatoes", "mashing potatoes", and "Salmonella". Stayed tuned, it should be exciting.

20 Minutes in...

The smoke alarm just went off for the first time.

5 Minutes later...

It happened again. This time it Dennis came up with me, noting that there is no actual smoke. We decided it might just be the turkey is too close to the top burner, so we're going to lower the rack.

2 hours in

Dave has been basted, covered in tin foil, and is currently roasting in his own juices. But he smells damn good. I made more dressing than I could actually fit in the bird, so I just stuck a pouch of it in the oven. It should be ready at about 5:30 and give us an idea of what we're in for. The turkey itself won't be ready for about an hour or so after that, so when I go up then I'll get the carrots, potatoes, and all that ready.

3 & 1/4 Hours

The extra dressing is done and frigging delicious. My fears are relieved somewhat since the dressing turned out the way it was supposed to. The carrots are in and the potatoes are ready to go.

...15 minutes later

The batteries are temporarily out of the smoke alarm. Once the potatoes went on that damn thing started to freak out, so I dismantled it for the sake of the next half hour. Hopefully it will be okay.

And it's done!

Success! I am proud to say not only did I not burn the house to the ground, not only did I not kill us by serving undercooked food, I made a moist, tasty, "grandma quality" turkey for Thanksgiving. I also made some deadly mashed potatoes, carrots and some killer dressing. I am awesome!

I also put the batteries back in the smoke detector and cleaned up. Not bad at all. Dennis has even said that if we're in the same city next year he's coming over for some turkey. A complement I do not take lightly.

Right now, I'm going to go do the standard post turkey nap, but I'll be back later tonight with the Halloween post.

Suit up!

So, I like suits. It's a well known fact, and in my eyes not a big deal. While obviously I subscribe to the Barney Stinson school of life (girls, suits, booze, girls, blogs, girls), the wearing of suits and sports jackets is something I've been a big advocate for for some time now. My first year in college for instance I wrote a paper on the subject called "Class Dismissed" about how society has become too casual. If you don't believe me ask Dick Butt. (tehehe, Dick Butt - seriously my English teacher in college)

Anyway, I got a new job today, and I'm incredibly psyched because it's a real job. None of this "Thank you for calling Sprint..." bullshit. I start work for Hospitality Marketing Concepts on Tuesday. It's a sales job and I work on the 9th floor of a building downtown and while it's not a requirement, wearing a suit to this job is acceptable.

I will of course, because hell, it's me.

But there are reasons why wearing a suit is not only awesome, but also incredibly functional. Here are some examples of why suits are cool.

1) They make you look good
2) They have multiple pockets to easily hold things such as keys, cell phones, and prophylactics
3) They make you more confident (seriously, a good fitting suit makes you feel awesome)
4) The knot of a tie is a good place to put your sunglasses when you're not wearing them
5) You get more respect when suited up
6) The women go crazy for a sharp dressed man

There are my top six reasons you should wear a suit. And remember what Barney says kids; "You never get your moneys worth when you wear jeans to a strip club."

A third entry...

Steph has sent in another logo, complete with the changes recommended in the comments. I think this one definitely captures the title of the blog better, what with the little fauxhawked dude looking all confused with the megaphone at his side standing on a soapbox. I don't think it could be any more literal.

Still feel free to leave comments on it. But I think this may be the winner. It will take some time for me to convert to a website format and post the logo, but goshdarned it I'm going to do it. It seems much more reasonable than my harebrained "deep fry a turkey on Sunday" idea.

Updates on the best of the Soapbox

Go Cats Go!
Thanks have to go out to Sheena, the Sabertooth totally slipped my mind, mainly because thats a bit much, even for me. For those of you who didn't read the comment she left it was just a reminder of a left out age bracket, the 50+. While I dispute the Puma classification I whole heartedly believe this both exists and is somewhat creepy.

Bayfriend
The age class amendment for the ladies also reminded me of a subclass of the bayfriend. The 'old dude' is like the male version of a Cougar, but with younger prey. He is usually younger than the Cougar as well, normally falling in the 25-40 demographic. I don't want any argument on this one because we all went to high school with a girl who thought her 28 year old boyfriend was so cool, leaving you to ask a) if he's so cool why is he dating a 16 year old and b) why isn't he in prison. I'll admit that this is totally a double standard based on sex but hey, if its so unfair, write a blog about it.

Skeet fights
You heard it here first! Last week the CBC and various over media outlets ran stories about this. Apparently, kids throughout Newfoundland Labrador (I left out the and on purpose to ridicule the provinces idiotic rebranding) have been starting fight clubs. One in Corner Brook even drew crowds of about 150 teens. I would like to point out that I wrote about skeet fights a week before this shit ever made the news, furthering the proof that bloggers are way more efficient at relaying the news than the actual news. I would also like to point out that skeet fight club is still completely and utterly moronic.

The first rule of skeet fight club; don't talk about skeet fight club,
The second rule of skeet fight club; don't forget to make faces and throw up the devil horns in the background of the camera shot while your buddy is being interviewed by CBC television about skeet fight club.

Go Cats Go!

After a long talk with Satchmo the other night it was decided I should write a post about Cougars, Pumas, MILFs, and other classifications of the fairer sex. It was decided I should be the one to write it because of the primary research I've conducted in the matter as well as extensive secondary research online .

This isn't the first time I've considered approaching the topic. My first year in college I was given an open topic PowerPoint presentation which I originally titled "Mating Habits of the Grand Falls Cougar". However, it was decided that the instructor wouldn't appreciate it, even though, let's be honest: Penny doesn't know. Either way, now is as good a time as any to do a little write up.

Before I go on I need to make several things very clear. 1) This is based on ages relative to a guy in his early 20s. 2) Not all girls in these age groups fall into these categories, and 3) This is supposed to be funny so take the stick out of your ass before leaving comments criticizing my objectification of women.

We should start with Jailbait. Jailbait is obvious, well the definition of the term is. Jailbait itself isn't always as easy to pick out, particularly after 3am. Its the younger girls who dress and act way older than they actually are. The legal threat they pose can be countered with one simple phrase, and repeat after me; "Your Honor, if she's in the bar she's supposed to be 19. It's really the bouncer's fault."

After Jailbait there's a group that doesn't really have a name. They fall into the broadly accepted age bracket for a guy my age about 18-29. There isn't really anything funny to write here so I'll move right along.

It was at one time broadly accepted(by me) that the previous category extended right up to 34 and 35 and up was a Cougar. Recently, Satchmo enlightened me to a category I didn't know existed. The Puma is a woman between 30-39. According to Satchmo, Sally Jesse Raphael has informed the 12 people who still watch her show that this is in some way fact. I feel I know more about it than Sally, but hey, I'll humor Satch.

The Cougar is therefore defined as a woman 40 and up. I don't know how much I like this, since I think the Puma category should be eliminated and Cougar status should be achieved at 35. There is something about Cougars that most people commonly confuse, Cougars and MILFs are two different things for this one reason Cougars don't have kids. That's pretty much the only difference. Well, kind of...

The term MILF was made famous by the movie American Pie. You know what it stands for, so I'm not going to get into it. But here's the thing: a MILF has to be hot, otherwise she's not a MILF. Cougars aren't always hot, sometimes they're just sad. That's important to remember here. Also there is another stipulation a lot of people over look;

You know that hot girl you went to high school with that popped out a kid in the eleventh grade, well she's not a MILF, shes a girl your age who happens to have a kid. The trick to the MILF is grown kids who you could not possibly be the father of. That's the taboo of the MILF, someone who can get legitimately pissed off that you think their mom is hot.

I hope this little lesson better helps you better understand the different terms and their meanings. For more information Google them to see what you find. I just don't recommend doing it at work.

Halloween - brought to you by the same people as St Paddys Day

October is finally here. I'm no longer jumping the gun on this whole thing and I can officially tote Halloween's awesomeness without people saying "Dude, it's only September."

I figure I should ring in the month by giving you a brief history of Halloween. See, it all started when the Celt's would celebrate Samhain (the festival, not the pumpkin headed guy from the Ghostbusters). It was the halfway point of the solstices and supposedly the one night each year when the boundaries between the dead and the living were let down. They did all kinds of kooky shit to celebrate and eventually the Christians showed up and tried to "church-up" the holiday. In 835 Pope Greg the forth decried that November 1 would be All Saint's Day, or All Hallow's Day, making the 31 of October All Hallow's Eve, or Halloween as we know it today.

The whole Trick or Treating thing goes back to the Celt's though. They used to leave out candy corn, Milk Duds, and small bags of Doritos for ghosts, ghouls, and other netherworld baddies to snack on so they wouldn't get all pissed off and stir up some shit.

In North America we started celebrating Halloween around the turn of the 19th century because up until then the puritans who founded the continent had a stick up their ass and wouldn't even celebrate Christmas because they thought it was sac-religious.

I also thought I'd throw out some historical Halloweens for you;

835 - Pope Gregory IV declares November 1 All Saint's Day.
179? - Ichabod Crane gets ownt by the Headless Horseman
1864 - Nevada becomes the 36th state
1926 - Harry Houdini dies, some creepy shit surrounds the death, but if you want to find out you'll have to look it up on Wikipedia
1938 - Orson Welles does the whole War of the Worlds thing and the entire eastern seaboard shits its pants
1961 - Peter Jackson, director of LOTR and the Frighteners is born
1963 - Rob Schneider is born - scary
1968 - Vanilla Ice is born
1978 - John Carpenters Halloween comes out, thus creating the slasher genre. Virgin's everywhere use the excuse "I want to survive a horror movie"
1984 - My first Halloween. In an event that foreshadowed my love of Halloween and childhood weight problem I take my first steps ever to walk across the room to get candy after my mom refuses to give me anymore. This is also out of protest that she dressed me like a bunny.
1993 - River Phoenix dies outside the Viper Room in LA
2002 - I get IDed 5 times in 45 minutes at Mingles when they doubt my fake ID. They couldn't prove it was a fake, but I storm out angrily and boycott the bar until I actually turn 19.
2006 - It hasn't happened yet, but it will indeed be awesome and thus deserving of being listed here.

Also, tonight I went to the Allans Video down the road and picked up a bunch of movies, so now I'll be watching along with you.

Watch:
Hocus Pocus - That movie is how Halloween's should be. You, your little sister, the hottest girl in school, and a talking cat should totally be chased around by witches and a zombie only to have you save the day and get the girl.
Van Helsing - Yeah, its not going to win any awards, but its a great popcorn movie. It combines the big three movie monsters and has Kate Beckinsale looking hot as balls in a corset and leather pants. Whats not to love?

Read:
Goosebumps - RL Stein You read them when you were a kid and they were awesome. I have no idea where any of my old ones are now, but if I did I'd totally hit that up. I remember one called "The Werewolf of Fever Lake" or something like that. Classic.

Hear:
Halloween (She gets so mean) - Rob Zombie I picked up this Halloween Hootenanny CD a few years back and this was on it. The whole CD is good for a laugh. Rob Zombie put it together and it's all kinds of Halloween themed bands and songs. He does this song with a instrumental surf band called The Ghastly Ones. Reverend Horton Heat have a song on it and Los Straitjackets do the theme from The Munsters.