Go Cats Go!

After a long talk with Satchmo the other night it was decided I should write a post about Cougars, Pumas, MILFs, and other classifications of the fairer sex. It was decided I should be the one to write it because of the primary research I've conducted in the matter as well as extensive secondary research online .

This isn't the first time I've considered approaching the topic. My first year in college I was given an open topic PowerPoint presentation which I originally titled "Mating Habits of the Grand Falls Cougar". However, it was decided that the instructor wouldn't appreciate it, even though, let's be honest: Penny doesn't know. Either way, now is as good a time as any to do a little write up.

Before I go on I need to make several things very clear. 1) This is based on ages relative to a guy in his early 20s. 2) Not all girls in these age groups fall into these categories, and 3) This is supposed to be funny so take the stick out of your ass before leaving comments criticizing my objectification of women.

We should start with Jailbait. Jailbait is obvious, well the definition of the term is. Jailbait itself isn't always as easy to pick out, particularly after 3am. Its the younger girls who dress and act way older than they actually are. The legal threat they pose can be countered with one simple phrase, and repeat after me; "Your Honor, if she's in the bar she's supposed to be 19. It's really the bouncer's fault."

After Jailbait there's a group that doesn't really have a name. They fall into the broadly accepted age bracket for a guy my age about 18-29. There isn't really anything funny to write here so I'll move right along.

It was at one time broadly accepted(by me) that the previous category extended right up to 34 and 35 and up was a Cougar. Recently, Satchmo enlightened me to a category I didn't know existed. The Puma is a woman between 30-39. According to Satchmo, Sally Jesse Raphael has informed the 12 people who still watch her show that this is in some way fact. I feel I know more about it than Sally, but hey, I'll humor Satch.

The Cougar is therefore defined as a woman 40 and up. I don't know how much I like this, since I think the Puma category should be eliminated and Cougar status should be achieved at 35. There is something about Cougars that most people commonly confuse, Cougars and MILFs are two different things for this one reason Cougars don't have kids. That's pretty much the only difference. Well, kind of...

The term MILF was made famous by the movie American Pie. You know what it stands for, so I'm not going to get into it. But here's the thing: a MILF has to be hot, otherwise she's not a MILF. Cougars aren't always hot, sometimes they're just sad. That's important to remember here. Also there is another stipulation a lot of people over look;

You know that hot girl you went to high school with that popped out a kid in the eleventh grade, well she's not a MILF, shes a girl your age who happens to have a kid. The trick to the MILF is grown kids who you could not possibly be the father of. That's the taboo of the MILF, someone who can get legitimately pissed off that you think their mom is hot.

I hope this little lesson better helps you better understand the different terms and their meanings. For more information Google them to see what you find. I just don't recommend doing it at work.